graffiti philosophy of humanitarian aid

Being humanitarian sounds just good but it is not sacred thing. It should go through many dilemmas and being good is not a simple policy to follow. Being good for whom? If there are skinny women who claimed to need food, it is natural as human being that would like to offer the help especially if you have resource to do so, but humanitarian does not mean to help whoever needs help. It is well known saying that we should not give fish, we should teach how to fish as the principle of aid – which means aid should be something sustainable and durable for the community even after we left. So, being good does not mean being kind and do what they want us to do. Sometimes (more often) we should make difficult decision to cut off the group of population who is in need.

There are so many things easy to say, but difficult to do. Being fair and being good. At this moment, we are not doing blanket free food distribution because the assessment shows that middle/lower Juba (that is where we are operating) does not require the blanket feeding. However, once you step into the remote villages, it is true that you can see lots of people who seem to need food. Currently we are only targeting malnutrition 5 years under and pregnant/lactating mothers but to make villagers understand that we are only helping to people in this category is the big issue. There are lots more people who do not have enough also outside of this category. It is logically understandable but practically all the people are living more or less similar poor condition. If your neighbor received the food, and you don’t, you will be pissed off. They do not care criteria or condition.

I am not doing it for my sake, and I can sometimes feel overwhelmed to see how big the world laid in front of me and how little I can do. Now that I gave up the idea of “I will change the world!” type of heroic idealism. I will do what I can do and I should do but I feel pain not to help the people in front of me. There is no clear line of people who is needy and who is not. There are million of people staying in gray zone who live in bad condition. I am better off but I have only two hands.

It is not simple matter of giving thing left to right. There was an interesting article I read few years back (which I forgot the detail but it) saying that if French people decided not to eat the ice-cream (maybe wine I am not sure), or American avoid the left-over for their meal, the food shortage for kids in the whole world will be solved. It is figure calculated in paper and we all know that it does not happen that way. (anyway French never give up wine) It is not amount of food we are lacking but matter of social structure. What we are doing here is, to be honest, does not change Somalia. It is temporary measure, in other word, first aid. Our food can make them survive a bit longer and probably may improve nutrition status of children while they are facing drought. However, unless their social structure and cultural habit enable to make them be productive, situation remains same. They have been in the war for around 20 years and they hardly got chance to improve their infrastructure or food security. If I use the above mentioned metaphor of giving fish or teaching how to fish, they had their river dried up and they do not eat fish. They have land but it is barren. People are not motivated to work and just wait Allah to prepare the food from somewhere. Humanitarian is not a magician.

It is not destiny or fate, they cast the opportunity for past decades and we are all lost here. Somalia is by all means special country having beautiful people with tough spirit. I really love them. Once they found their way out, the potentials are there. However, one thing I can say is it is not humanitarian workers (or AMISOM) who come from outside to make this black labyrinth cleared. I really do not see how Somali can solve this 20 years accumulated hatred and depression in the society but with great expectation, I am looking forward to keeping eyes on it.

Life without fat

I was in the field yesterday, I am in the field today,I will be in the field tomorrow. My life here is very simple, no complication.

Off road drive for one day makes people tired more than imagined. Even I who only am sitting in the (relatively) comfortable back seat, jumping back and down could have been that tired, not to mention how exhausting it can be for our security guards in the back of pickup and got direct sun or drivers who have to be fully awake throughout the day in this tricky road. We normally come back to the base around 19:00, but I could see those guards and drivers quickly ate and jump into mattress outsides. We eat, take shower and chat for around two hours, and then our days are over. I write my diary in the end of the day, and do little house keeping stuff and already feel very much like going to bed at 22:00. Life without proper lighting leads us to be loyal to sun. I start my day at 6:00 (guards and drivers start around even 4:00) and my day close at 21:30 to 22:00. It is super healthy life cycle, isn’t it.

We have generator here, but it does not provide good lighting for reading or anything productive. It is just bright enough to see where I am standing and going and anyway, if all the people around are in dead sleep, I do not feel comfortable to make even a phone call.

As I don’t bring much here and fat of life is cut off drastically. I don’t have dryer so I should wash my hair early enough to let sun dry it. I wear the cloth which washed next day, and at least I try to be clean all the time but nothing very fancy. I used up all the toilet paper, so I just should bring bucket of water to toilet.
If there is nothing, I just have to be determined. It is not very smart to be frustrated to long for something which isn’t there. Our lives can be much simpler and believe me, it is nice. I recognize my life is getting so much fat around and it is not always essential. I only ate pasta, bread and goat meat and green peppers (and rice one time). Only what we could drink is too-much-sugar milk tea (which is nice after long trip without lunch) and water. We have breakfast, then work throughout without lunch, then have supper around 19:00.
I can be grateful to be how healthy I am here, and best part is to wait for another two weeks to be in Nairobi and grab big pint of icy cold beer! It is pure privilege only given for the people whose nearest bar is 4 hours flight.

Reality tells

Food distribution and screening can never been done without problem. Actually we should deal with great mess. It is not easy to explain this heat and noise. You may imagine that beneficiaries are people who are malnutrition and week, but majorities are full of energy to acquire what they want and need. It may not be the most appropriate metaphor but it reminds me of women’s battle at bargain in the first day. Everybody fight to get what they need.

Well, I understood where their energy comes from. Many of them may rely on the food for their family living. We used MUAC, which is simple method of measuring arm – less than 12.5cm for kids and less than 21 cm for pregnant and lactation women – but I saw big fat mama shout at my staff saying that she needs food. We measured twice in order to ensure the figure, but some women under this malnutrition category put on veil and stands on the quque (actually there is no queue) again or malnutrition kid is “recycled”. If they are caught, they do even hit our staff or even threat saying “I will kill you. My staff experienced to get water or stoned in the screening site, and we should sometimes suspend the screening as the tension raised. There are always big guys with stick and guns “to control” the crowd, but mothers are normally stronger than them.

“Life is tough” they say so, and it is true for some who did not eat anything for couple of days, but some can sell our food to buy the curtain for their house window. Practically it is not possible for us to check each individual and find who really needs support, we will rely on counterpart and authority who are on ground and know the situation better. We are not doing general food distribution for everybody at this moment in south central Somalia. We used to conduct GFD for IDP in Kismayo but it stopped due to security concern. This Supplementary Feeding Programme only targets malnutrition kids under 5 and pregnant/lactating mothers. They asked, “my neighbor received food, why not us?” well, we should not make them rely on the aid, and we should really make strict standard and aid should target certain population who really needs it. I keep shouting that this distribution is for malnutrition people not all, but it is not easily understood as their life standard is almost same. They may take it for granted and can get angry if they do not come under the category.

Honestly I feel very sorry if I met little old lady who told me that she does not have family and food to eat but it really is local authority or counterpart who can capture the needy population and we will cover the rest. I would like to cover all the needy but the difference of needy and not really needy is very vague. I now know that beneficiary is not always weak people. They are ones with dignity, pride and energy. It is very important for me to keep being in the field and see what is going on. Beneficiary is not just figures in excel sheet to report. They are human being whom we are working with .

Power of girl

I do not normally use foundation to cover up, maybe because there is nothing to hide in this super sunny environment. I can not be Barbie here, and anyway, it has never been in my character – perfect make-up and being girlie. Stinging Somalia sun turned me into bright tan and it is nice.

Girls in my age in Japan are most likely to have fully equipped cosmetic pouch with them all along, but I will carry first aid kits instead. Instead of glossy pink lip stick, I should bring flash light. If I go for field for couple of hours with my side window open, whole dust will cover my face. No point to cover in the morning to make me look good, you see? I applied eye-liner and mascara to make my eyes visible but it is still half size of Somali ladies. Yes, I already knew that it is not competition, and I do not have to be more beautiful than other girls to be me.

Now at least I learned that no-make up does not mean I do not care. I started using proper basic toner, serum and cream and my skin quality improved. I do not make up but I do spend good energy and time to prepare good base. I am not early 20s any more which good sleep can rejuvenate everything so I should make some effort.

Just one thing I do ensure in the field – my nails. It can not be too long and decorative as I do play volleyball with my staff and my place is too muddy and dusty. However, to cut in proper length, polished and paint light pink makes me recognize that I am a woman and I do take care of myself.
Even when I washed myself in muddy shower room with a bucket of water,
Even the water contains some dead insect….if the nails of the feet which the water washed is painted properly in red, the moment makes me happy.

Environment can be harsh, the work might be challenging, but as long as spirit, nails and skin is in good condition, woman can go forward. It is not something to be able to cover up by expensive cosmetic. It refers to something coming up from inward.
If my nails are half gone or skin got bad pimple, my energy will be vacuumed and I can not make the most of my power, rather, I should say, if I am not in best condition at work, I may recognize that my nails are not done properly.

We don’t have to be extraordinary proud of being women, but we have small moment in our daily lives to recognize how nice we are as woman. Ensure to catch the moment to make us happy and keep going!

New day has come

You may think Celine Dion does not exactly match the scenery of Somali savanna but that is only CD which our driver Chini has. The CD got little scratches and her “new day has come” repeat continuously. So it came to be almost like our Theme song when we go to field. Actually he got one another Somali song cassette but it is collection of absolutely squeaky sounds and everybody hates it (except Chini) and after all Celine Dion is only choice, I mean her New day has come is.

Her transparent voice was initially too fancy for this kind of harsh weather with full of dust and splash of the mud water, but after sometimes of repetition, we came to be used to her too-nice voice and it melt nicely into our environment. It wasn’t bad choice. New day has come.

We had 110 km x 2 return trip to Tabto today. We went through as usual dusty road, occasional rain water stagnation, stingy bushes and hot air. We stopped by three villages between where we should make police stop for inspection but other than that, we hardly see any other cars or human being unless they take herd. We met much more camels and goats in our journey. It seems to be result blooming time from previous mating season and we could see many baby camel which is covered with brown fluffy hairs (once it grown up, they became almost white) and big warhook families.
The meeting was very productive which last one hour, and we took once again two hours and half 4WD ride. 5 hours trip two ways and 1 hour meeting. It does not sound very efficient but once we are in the field efficiency is not the priority one agenda. There are people whom we should meet and we can not stay overnight due to security issue, and we should spend more time for preparation or traveling to get this a little result. Well, but without this accumulation of little result, we really can not achieve anything in the field.
We are feeding few hundred thousand beneficiary, but putting big figure in excel worksheet isn’t our final concern. These few hundred thousand consists of each individual who has history, family, problem and things to tell us. Of course we can not meet every single beneficiary, but the reason for us to stay in the field and go to the field is to focus on this individual concern and complain to adjust what we are doing. Honestly, I learned enough to make nice report to justify I work hard enough, but I really want to keep my real foot and spirit on the ground to have real touch with the people. Beneficiary is not the subject, but the real human we are dealing with.

Having continuous similar type of days pass by, but it is always new days, new people and new issue. I do not want to get used to my life, my work and my environment which let me be lazy. I have to keep some kind of tension and fresh mind to tackle daily challenge. Even though people sometimes come up with similar/same problem, if the environment or their village is different, there should be different solution.
New day has come. - Through the darkness and good times I knew I'd make it through And the world thought I had it all But I was waiting for you

Body for travel

We left 10:00 am in the morning, arrived at 21:00 in the evening. 11 hours Great journey covering 120 km.
It has been raining whole last night and made road completely muddy. While we had 5 land cruiser with staff and security guards, One car got stuck, then another car’s engine stopped. One car owner complained about the price we already agreed. We tried short cut, then ended up longer road. It was muddy as well bumpy road. It hit back, head then bushes got into from window which left sharp stings. It was real 10 hours bush safari!

I had good milk tea for breakfast, then only had one chocolate bar (98kcal), which last 10 hours.
What an Eco-friendly body I had! Of course, you can not expect fancy drive-in, or McDonald’s on the way,
There weren’t even proper place for tea. You may be able to get tea from near by village, and you see,
one of our guard who took tea started vomiting after 10 min. We’ve never known the quality of camel milk here and it may not be boiled. Better not to touch it when travel long distance.

Well, when I know I will be on a journey, I think my body controls herself not to feel hunger or thirst.
I didn’t even go to toilet. Toilet is another long story to tell. I do not really mind going to be open toilet after 6 years intensive experience in the field, but it still requires some courage in some location.
I should be careful of being off-road due to land mine or UXO in South Sudan. There is no issue of landmine here in Somalia but they really have terrible bush which got sting everywhere. You should really be ready to be cut and stung yourselves if you want to go to pee outside. It is not easy to pee or puu in this man-surrounding environment. Not to mention period. It is unavoidable nature but really pain in the ass when on traveling. It is almost equivalent to punishment. So, one reason or another, when I am on trip, I don’t feel like going puu and my period is much less to handle compared with normalcy. I may got Yogi body which can adjust according to environment. Very convenient, huh?

However, I am not the one who can get the real credit for this tough trip. I have two female staff with me who are real pregnant – 8 month (almost 9 month) and 6 month! I told them that they do not have to go to the field as they are in very important period, but they said they don’t mind. They knew there is lots of work and the environment here and there is no difference. Well, they really impressed me with the fact that women are strong.

It is nice to see some of my friends got best of best environment and being taken care of and have nice birth, but they really inspired me and I can believe that their kids whose moms are that brave can be really healthy!!We all know their condition so every time car bumped around, we asked “is your baby coming??” Yes, it was very enjoyable trip. You see now, why I do not complain about my puu or period in this hectic journey.
It really does not matter.

Working picnic

One day field mission @Sakow.
2.5 hours drive then 20 walk in maize field. Sun is hitting and sky is melting its blue to the air. It is the site of FFW (Food for Work), the community project that villagers are constructing creek point and they all receive family ration of food upon completion. They have high potential for flood for coming October due to El Nino, and these creek point will prevent from river not to flood which cause crutial damage to the crop. Not only damange of the crop, once river is flooding, there will be danger of crocodile (they attack humans!) and contagious disease because of poor hygiene. It sounds like crappy movie scenario but it is bloody reality.

It is such a pleasure and relief to see happy working people in this utterly crazy world. As long as I can find people who are willing for their community, don't mind staying under hot sun to do something exhausting, there is a light of hope and potential I can foresee. Walked through green maize, picked off sticking seed which I could find everywhere, took deep breath of fresh air- you see river is running calmly and crops are growing. Simple fact of life will make me so alive. This project was almost spoiled when it comes the security situation and little political complication, but I am very glad that we pushed, pulled and pushed pushed to make it happened. Once contract is signed between us and Counterpart, other thing will follow. Life is not as complicated as it seems as long as you don't lose your direction.

It was great weekend working picnic. We had good meeting with authority and counterpart and we got mountain of Mango and bananas as a survenior. I am looking forward to coming back here to see completed creekpoint. They will be ready for flooding and get crocodile sunk.